Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
