I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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