I heard we made out
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
