So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
