No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
