Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
