at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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