There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
