i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
