Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
