I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
