Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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