Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
