Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
