That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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