Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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