Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
