My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
