I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
