Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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