lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
