how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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