You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
