Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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