I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
