Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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