i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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