Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
