just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
