I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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