I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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