Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
whose ass print is on the piano?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
