I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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