Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
