the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
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By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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