i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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