he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
