I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
