I need to stop coming to work sober
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
