You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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