No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
