I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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