So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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