just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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