I want to have your abortion
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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