Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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