She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
