at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
