I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it's great music for shaving your balls
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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