someone get that fucking seahorse.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
