My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
