There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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