can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
