She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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