I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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