I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
is that a dick in a sweater?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
