the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.