Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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