is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I could make wine with my vomit
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
